1:10 a.m. | 2005-05-31
I Promised
I'm calling it now.
DOA, kids, dead on arrival. Because he pulled my heart through the mud so many times just to have me sitting there at the very end, bright eyed and smiling looking to be loved by him, hoping that he still did.
I mixed sexual pleasure with emotional upset and in the end I got the two confused between what I wanted and what I was getting and the worst part is that I just came to the realization that Gabriel's capable of giving me neither. I want to tell him how much I hurt and how badly I want to hurt him back for it but all I find myself doing is sulking in a corner and then saying good night.
And even after I grabbed him tight and said, "mine," and he told me he was already claimed (and had the gall to show me her picture at that moment as we were laying in bed) he still bit my thigh and tugged on my jeans and pulled me tight to him as we watched our movie.
Finally I was so disgusted with myself that I almost threw up on him, just thinking about how silly and stupid I was, and even worse thinking about how he made me feel afterwards each and every time. I started to feel that while he was still here. I started to feel low and base and unwanted. Because these days that's so much easier to swallow than the thought that I'm just not capable.
So with tears in my eyes and upset in my heart I call an end to all of this. He will be called upon when needed, nothing forced, nothing wanted, nothing done between the two of us because I've finally gotten to the point where I not only realize it afterwards, but actually while I'm there with him (and tonight even a little before) that what I'm doing to myself is inconceivable.
I don't regret, and I don't wish I never did, but at this moment right now I'm about as close as I've ever been to wishing I'd never met him.
